"Should we pause now to ask God for forgiveness?"
Foreplay Topics
Rat Race reviews and box office talk. Andy self loathes. Ken admits petitioning listeners to beat up Andy so they would have something interesting for their show.
Will to Live-o-meter
Andy seems a wee dour from the get go, delving deep down around minute 26 when he admits, "I am flying more and more because I have less and less to live for."
Fatal Flaw
To Ken's chagrin, Andy interrupts the live caller with smatterings of patter.
Other Show Concepts Discussed
Desi Arnaz Impersonators Call In Show
Andy vs. Ken Foot Race for all the Marbles
7sd as Nostradamus
Ken goes 3 for 3 when asked, "Was that the best call yet? Did we have any women callers? Do you think we had any dead air?"
This show taped on September 5, 2001 was supposed to air on September 12, but something came up. Ken and Andy, on tape, talk to the live listeners giving advice to a college bound Josh Breckman (sound familiar?).
Andy asks: What are the odds that the caller is witty or interesting? Andy answers: 1:160. That's about right.
Our fearless hosts reveal their longhaired hippiness when they discuss the New York Jets/Baltimore Colts game.
The whole September 11th time warp thing is augmented by Ken's pre and post show announcement that "this could turn out to be the last non-rerun 7sd ever."
Personal note
My favorite incarnation of the 7sd theme song: Esquivel meets Telstar.
She Wants Blogging Experience
If you'd like to play along with today's show, read the New York Times Obituaries while you listen. On this episode, you can hear Ken and Andy place divine decision making in the hands of innocent children. You can listen to Obituary Bingo here (RealAudio) or here (MP3).In the beginning of this episode, in addition to some strange meta-foreplay, you'll hear Andy talk a bit about this blog. He flatters me, saying, "you can actually enjoy reading it". Then, he goes on to express concerns about my motives. I'm going to guess that he's not alone (though he certainly could be), and I will use tonight's gossip and scoops to gossip about myself. Basically, I'm a DJ and board member for a freeform radio station affiliated with my University, which has made me a total nerd when it comes to independent, creative programming like what WFMU is spewing every day. I think blogs are a really cool form of new media, and I like watching how our blog compliments a really great show like 7SD. I don't call myself a "blogger" because the word "blogger" is so harsh and always sounds derogatory. Try saying it to aloud yourself: "blogger". Also, you know, I love the show.
So, which is the better catch phrase, "Take it easy, but take it" or "Oh, for the love of crack"? Post your answers here, but also be sure to send Andy an e-mail using the WFMU webform.
Glutton for Punishment?
What am I doing here?
My mission: to review the entire Breckman catalogue, his oeuvre if you will. That doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Rat Race was great. IQ was charming. Well, that’s the recent stuff, but my job, like that of a doctor performing a prostate exam, doesn’t stop there. I have to go deeper (I have three words for you, Hot to Trot).
“What are my qualifications to do this?” you may ask.
I’m not a professional movie reviewer, but I have listened to Seven Second Delay for a few years, which makes me a professional masochist. And when the darkest hours approach over the next few months, I will know I’m doing this for the rest of you and hey at least I’m not Ken.
So, next week I’ll start with Rat Race. I feel it’s best to ease my way into this little experiment (I also need time in order to stock up on scotch to induce a blackout after watching Arthur 2). I’m not sure how long all of this will take (some of the movies have a rather limited availability), but I’m dedicated. Really, it won’t be all that bad. Andy is a talented guy and poking fun aside I’m looking forward to it.
My mission: to review the entire Breckman catalogue, his oeuvre if you will. That doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Rat Race was great. IQ was charming. Well, that’s the recent stuff, but my job, like that of a doctor performing a prostate exam, doesn’t stop there. I have to go deeper (I have three words for you, Hot to Trot).
“What are my qualifications to do this?” you may ask.
I’m not a professional movie reviewer, but I have listened to Seven Second Delay for a few years, which makes me a professional masochist. And when the darkest hours approach over the next few months, I will know I’m doing this for the rest of you and hey at least I’m not Ken.
So, next week I’ll start with Rat Race. I feel it’s best to ease my way into this little experiment (I also need time in order to stock up on scotch to induce a blackout after watching Arthur 2). I’m not sure how long all of this will take (some of the movies have a rather limited availability), but I’m dedicated. Really, it won’t be all that bad. Andy is a talented guy and poking fun aside I’m looking forward to it.
A History of Incontinence
Just kidding.
"We need a producer. Ken, let's get a producer." -- Andy
It isn't being very controversial to label The Kurt Russell Conspiracy a "non-success." While there was the novelty of Andy backing out of a prank call for once in his life, and the potential hilarity of Ken making the call in his stead, there remained a failed concept, and a debilitating lack of preparation -- but these are things not totally anathema to Seven Second Delay. Vocabulary Battle had a weak concept that never took off but is hilarious, if only for the serendipitous, circuitous way in which Andy discovers Maria is a genius. One Hit Wonders wouldn't be such an enduring classic if its sheer audacity had been tempered by thorough preparation.
Though when you can't get the bassist from the The Left Banke on the phone, that's one thing, when you can't get anyone on the phone, that's something else. Seven Second Delay has an inelegant charm. It doesn't always work, but when it does it is triumphant. If Seven Second Delay is sleek or scripted or commercial radio -- see Radio Consultant -- it doesn't work. Andy seems to recognizes that as much as anyone, and it's Andy holding the show back from being overly produced. There are times, though, when having a list of phone numbers isn't going to wreck the show's dynamic. Sometimes you need a producer. This is what Andy realized last show, though whether it's a lasting catharsis or not, well, you can place your bets.
I'm not actually taking bets though.
"We need a producer. Ken, let's get a producer." -- Andy
It isn't being very controversial to label The Kurt Russell Conspiracy a "non-success." While there was the novelty of Andy backing out of a prank call for once in his life, and the potential hilarity of Ken making the call in his stead, there remained a failed concept, and a debilitating lack of preparation -- but these are things not totally anathema to Seven Second Delay. Vocabulary Battle had a weak concept that never took off but is hilarious, if only for the serendipitous, circuitous way in which Andy discovers Maria is a genius. One Hit Wonders wouldn't be such an enduring classic if its sheer audacity had been tempered by thorough preparation.
Though when you can't get the bassist from the The Left Banke on the phone, that's one thing, when you can't get anyone on the phone, that's something else. Seven Second Delay has an inelegant charm. It doesn't always work, but when it does it is triumphant. If Seven Second Delay is sleek or scripted or commercial radio -- see Radio Consultant -- it doesn't work. Andy seems to recognizes that as much as anyone, and it's Andy holding the show back from being overly produced. There are times, though, when having a list of phone numbers isn't going to wreck the show's dynamic. Sometimes you need a producer. This is what Andy realized last show, though whether it's a lasting catharsis or not, well, you can place your bets.
I'm not actually taking bets though.
Making Friends
April 1, 1992: Confessions
1. Meet a new person. Make eye contact. Ask questions. Establish a rapport.
2. With a budding friendship firmly rooted, reveal a hideous secret, preferably involving an illegal or immoral action on your part. If the friend withdraws, this person was never a good friend in the first place. But in some cases…
3. The friend will make an equivalent confession. This is when you reveal the made-up or deeply embellished nature of your own, and express your horror at your new pal’s depth of depravity.
4. Eventually, tender your grudging forgiveness.
5. Spend as much time with your new friend as possible. If you need a favor, ask away.
1. Meet a new person. Make eye contact. Ask questions. Establish a rapport.
2. With a budding friendship firmly rooted, reveal a hideous secret, preferably involving an illegal or immoral action on your part. If the friend withdraws, this person was never a good friend in the first place. But in some cases…
3. The friend will make an equivalent confession. This is when you reveal the made-up or deeply embellished nature of your own, and express your horror at your new pal’s depth of depravity.
4. Eventually, tender your grudging forgiveness.
5. Spend as much time with your new friend as possible. If you need a favor, ask away.
How These Things Get Started
September 20, 2006: The Kurt Russel Conspiracy
1. PICK A CELEBRITY. Preferrably a mid-to-low B-lister, someone who’s known but not widely followed, perhaps a former A-lister who’s on a low-profile decline. Alternately, you might choose a token member of a group you’d like to malign.
Column A: Marisa Tomei, Jimmy Fallon, Jason Alexander, an albino, a member of the Beach Boys
2. PICK AN EMBARASSING PECADILLO. Anything embarrassing can serve, but the best rumors involve acts of choice. Urban legends prey on the fears and insecurities of the beholder, and nothing is more frightening than our capacity for poor decision-making. A collection of stolen socks would be better than, say, incontinence. (Actually, scratch that. Anything crotch- or bowel-related is certified platinum.)
Column B: steals socks, steals toothbrushes, has a seltzer fetish, cannot control bowels, wrote the song “I Love The Flower Girl”
3. PICK A LOCATION. The best rumors take the form of a story, and every story needs a setting. Choose a place where the rich and powerful must mingle with the little folk, often with embarrassing results.
Column C: a dive bar, a deli, an alley, Nyack, purgatory.
4. TRY IT. Have you heard about Jason Alexander? My girlfriend’s cousin works as a waitress in Nyack, and she said she saw Jason Alexander in there and he wouldn’t stop asking about the seltzer bottles. And when he, Jason Alexander, went to use the bathroom, one of the seltzer bottles disappeared!
5. HAVE FUN!
1. PICK A CELEBRITY. Preferrably a mid-to-low B-lister, someone who’s known but not widely followed, perhaps a former A-lister who’s on a low-profile decline. Alternately, you might choose a token member of a group you’d like to malign.
Column A: Marisa Tomei, Jimmy Fallon, Jason Alexander, an albino, a member of the Beach Boys
2. PICK AN EMBARASSING PECADILLO. Anything embarrassing can serve, but the best rumors involve acts of choice. Urban legends prey on the fears and insecurities of the beholder, and nothing is more frightening than our capacity for poor decision-making. A collection of stolen socks would be better than, say, incontinence. (Actually, scratch that. Anything crotch- or bowel-related is certified platinum.)
Column B: steals socks, steals toothbrushes, has a seltzer fetish, cannot control bowels, wrote the song “I Love The Flower Girl”
3. PICK A LOCATION. The best rumors take the form of a story, and every story needs a setting. Choose a place where the rich and powerful must mingle with the little folk, often with embarrassing results.
Column C: a dive bar, a deli, an alley, Nyack, purgatory.
4. TRY IT. Have you heard about Jason Alexander? My girlfriend’s cousin works as a waitress in Nyack, and she said she saw Jason Alexander in there and he wouldn’t stop asking about the seltzer bottles. And when he, Jason Alexander, went to use the bathroom, one of the seltzer bottles disappeared!
5. HAVE FUN!
Tetherball from January 22,1997
"Arnon rules and I'm afraid some day I might mean that literally" Foreplay Topics
Arnon learns the benediction, then straight on-topic.
Will to Live-o-meter
Andy's mind wanders to something Arsenio once said about 25 minutes in. True to form, Arnon lasts twice as long to fold around minute 54 when Andy tempts his patience and a caller asks too intimate a question.
Fatal Flaw
Arnon, advocating Kid's Equality, turns out to be a Republican (no sex, drugs, or pornography).
7sd as Nostradamus
Arnon instructs Andy to not treat his wife so badly. Ken predicts a terrorist attack on April 19, 1997.
Arnon, precocious in every sense of the word, visits Ken and Andy to host a call in hour about whatever Arnon wants. What does he want? He wants kids to be given the same opportunities as adults. Andy and Arnon do go at it (as the alternate show title claims), and while Arnon should have been an easy victor, Andy nabs it away citing the Tetherball rule: the biggest guy always wins.
So many memorable tidbits about the life of the ten year old come to light. Arnon adroitly handles Ken when he pries about Arnon's militia and his shoplifting friend that is a girl. Did I mention that Arnon may be the best albino impersonator ever?
There can only be one: Arnon.
I Was Ringo
While this blog isn't normally a gossip column, boy do I have a juicy tidbit of tabloid for all of you. I think it's going to make a real splash in all the papers tomorrow. I heard from one of Kurt Russel's PAs that he apparently sent her out in the middle of the night to buy Depends while on the set for the film Poseidon. Not only that, but he apparently was also seen tipping a waitress at Coy's almost $400 recently. All of this adds up to one thing, which was confirmed by Chris Robinson's rants and slander at a big Hollywood gathering last month.Kurt Russel is incontinent.
This is no laughing matter, but tell all your friends. To learn more about this hot story, you should listen to this week's episode of Seven Second Delay here (RealAudio) or here (MP3).
Listener IQ Test from April 12, 1995
"The Mormons don't fool around when it comes to IQ."Foreplay Topics
World Peace (recycled on todays' show - 11 years later) and Bob Brainen's wife.
Will to Live-o-meter
Andy makes it to the end, even asking "What do we do with the three minutes we have left over?"
Fatal Flaw
Andy keeps score (incorrectly).
Other Show Concepts Discussed
"Hank vs Mary IQ Face-Off"
"Summer Blockbuster Spoilers"
"The Do Not Use The Letter E Call-in Show"
After some musings, I picked the last archived show on the Seven Second Delay Archives page to summarize here. I reasoned that if that guy Jacob could transcribe 100 jokes for an old post, then I could transcribe 30 trivia questions for this one, right? Wrong. I paraphrased most of them, but as you can hear for yourself, questions like #21 are not for the xenophobic.
So, take the test on the honor code, check yourself using the answers on the show and leave your score in the comments below. The highest score will arouse suspicions.
Here are the questions:
1. (7'13") Which one of the five is least like the other four: Bear, Snake, Cow, Dog, Tiger?
2. (7'33") If you rearrange the letters in Barbit you would have the name of a(n): Ocean, Country, State, City, Animal?
3. (7'53") Which one of the five is the least like the other four: Potato, Corn, Apple, Carrot, Bean?
4. (8'14") John, 12 years old, is 3 times as old as his brother. How old would John be when he is twice as old as his brother? 14, 16, 18, 20, 21?
5. (9'45") Brother is to sister, as niece is to: Mother, Daughter, Aunt, Uncle, Nephew?
6. (12'43") Which one of the 5 is least like the others: A, Z, F, N, E?
7. (13'05") Milk is to glass, as letter is to: Stamp, Pen, Envelope, Book, Mail?
8. (13'28") Live is to evil, as 5232 is to: 2523, 3252, 2325, 3225, 5223?
9. (13'54") If some smogs are thors, and some thors are things, then some smogs are definitely things: True, False, Neither?
10. (17'52") Tree is to ground, as chimney is to: Smoke, Brick, Sky, Garage, House?
11. (17'52") Which one of the five is least like the other four: Touch, Taste, Hear, Smile, Chimpanzee's Bright Red Butt, See?
12. (18'38") If Jack is taller than Peter, and Bill is shorter than Jack, then: Bill is taller than Peter, Bill is shorter than Peter, Bill is as tall as Peter, It is impossible to tell.
13. (19'50") Which one of the five is least like the other four: Stocking, Dress, Shoe, Purse, Hat?
14. (24'12") Bullet is to gun, as ball is to: Bat, Slingshot, Cannon, Pitcher, Catapult?
15. (24'50") Some Bifers are Bofers, and all Gloins are Bofers, then some Bofers are definitely Gloins: True, False, or Neither?
16. (25'47") Which one of the five is least like the other four: A1, E6, D4, B2, C3?
17. (28'43") A price was cut by 20%, what percentage would the price have to go up to be full price again: 15%, 20%, 25%, 30%, 40%?
18. (29'24") Which one of the five is least like the other four: Copper, Iron, Brass, Tin, Lead?
19. (29'45") Mary baked some cookies. She ate one and gave half to her sister. She ate another one and gave half to her brother. There are five left. How many cookies did Mary bake: 11, 22, 23, 45, 46?
20. (33'24") Which one of the five is least like the other four: Wheat, Hay, Barley, Oats, Rice?
21. (35'03") There's a spaceship. They get three messages: Elarose Aldarian Ellendill which means DANGER ROCKET EXPLOSION, Endane Milyator Elarose which means DANGER SPACESHIP FIRE Aldarian Gimmelzor Gondor which means BAD GAS EXPLOSION. What does Ellendill mean: Danger, Explosion, Nothing, Rocket, Gas?
22. (37'45") John has six coins that equal 41 cents. Three coins are identical. They must be: Pennies, Nickels, Dimes, Quarters, Half Dollars?
23. (39'25") If you rearrange the letters in Mangery you would have the name of a(n): Ocean, Country, State, City, Animal?
24. (39'57") If all Wuars are Twerps. No Twerps are Gollums. Then, no Gollums are definitely Wuars: True, False, Neither?
25. (41'27") Which one of the five is least like the other four: Horse, Kangaroo, Deer, Zebra, Donkey?
26. (42'01") Some kid has to go to the store and get nine cans of peaches. He can only carry two cans at a time. How many trips does he have to make: 4, 4 1/2, 5, 5 1/2, 6?
27. (42'47") Some other kid gets 13th highest and 13th lowest score in the spelling bee. How many kids were in the bee: 13, 25, 26, 27, 28?
28. (42'59") Water is to ice, as milk is to: Honey, Cheese, Cereal, Coffee, Cookie?
29. (43'15") Which one of the five is least like the other four: Ham, Liver, Salmon, Pork, Beef?
30. (43'37") Which one of the five is least like the other four: Inch, Mile, Acre, Yard, Foot?
31. (45'37") A fish has a 9" head. Its tail is the length of its head plus half teh length of teh body. The body is the length of the head plus the tail. How long is the fish: 27, 54, 63, 72, 81?
Go Team!
As we sit in anticipation of tonight's show, I would like to update you all about a change that will be coming to your beloved blog. I have invited four long time listener, first time bloggers to help contribute posts. There will be Austin whose happy place is Sea World, but hates dolphins. Austin likes to use his girlfriend as a prop for most of his jokes, which, according to him, "she always steals sans credit". We will also have help from Duncan, a student of Poltical Science, who is thus eminently suited to this blog, and will be contributing a series of lectures on Lyndon Johnson and the Great Society in the coming weeks. We will also hear from Emerson, who explained to me that more information about him can be found using Google earth, which, if properly deployed, is always in focus. We will also have posts from Phil, a university student from Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada who actually enjoys a good game of competitive tug 'o war. I think this rugged team of hooligans will suit our blog well, and I encourage you all to welcome them with warm arms and fiery comments.
The Great Google-Off
As far as we know, the guess the birth date T-shirt contest is still on. Hopefully we'll have a winner and a baby Evan next week so Andy can start making that trek to Jersey City again. From the comfort of his busy home phone, he and Ken engaged in a great Google challenge to see who could find the answers to more listener questions first. You can hear contest of clicks here (RealAudio) or here (MP3).In this week's episode, you also heard me call in with the very first challenge. My behind the scenes gossip and scoops for this post is that, unbeknownst to listeners, my call was arranged in a friendly e-mail from Ken before the show began. He asked me to think of a good question, and he gave a the example of, "What do Charlton Heston and Betty Page have in common? (Nothing, actually, just an example)." While my question about the Beatles may never be solved, and calling into the show makes me a nervous wreck, I loved having the topic tip-off before the show even began. I think Ken's foresight was important to showing us all that, even though we we love saying that recent shows have been terrible, the guys are genuinely trying to make them better.
Also, I was wondering if any of you would like to start regularly contributing to this blog? I'd enjoy having a couple helpers to make this endeavor a bit more interactive. If you're interested, just send me an e-mail and we'll chat.
Oh, for the Love of Cream
Let's find answers to the show's unanswered questions. Any ideas what noun appears most frequently in Beatles song titles? Also, what's the cost of a hot dog in that stadium? What are the names of Andy's children? Does an umbilical cord make a better bookmark or paperweight?
Do Call. Do Listen.
I'm getting the sense that the Breckman birth T-shirt contest has yet to vindicate the "Do Not Call. Or Listen." show. This episode is available here (RealAudio) or here (MP3) if you'd like to hear Ken and Andy call listeners and ask them if they'd like to be put on the show's "do not call" list.While Andy drove home after the show, I spoke with him and Ken to get some insider gossip and scoops. During our exclusive interview, Andy confessed that he had been unsucessfully trying to reach his very pregnant wife since the show ended. He wanted to apologize for ridiculing her on the air, and felt real bad. In reflecting on the show, Andy pointed out how, like a good spouse, Ken had known he could upset Andy by comparing his behavior to that of a morning zoo DJ. "It really kind of stung," Andy admitted, "but it's cool to have a friend that knows me that well." Ken spoke to his conflicting interests as both a DJ and WFMU's station manager in situations when Andy bothers listeners who have pledged to the station. He explained that, "Andy has wanted to do a zillion shows where we call people back and harass them." He also explained that Andy's original idea for the show was to call only those listeners who pledged to Nachum's show.
Andy: I've been annoying Jews my entire life, and I can tell you there's nothing funnier.
In a sentimental moment, Andy and Ken talked about the real tensions that are going on during the show and how the show serves as a form of personal therapy every week. Still dwelling on the knowledge that the show's listeners have dropped in recent months, Andy admitted, "I always tell myself that I don't care how the show goes, and that it doesn't matter, but it's so sad."
There it is folks, you heard it here: Andy kind of cares about the show.
Evan's Birthday Predictions
Okay everyone, post your birthday predictions here. If your guess is the the closest to the date and time that Beth will deliver Andy's son, you'll win a real, cotton WFMU T-Shirt. Don't forget to mention your size!
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