How These Things Get Started

September 20, 2006: The Kurt Russel Conspiracy

1. PICK A CELEBRITY. Preferrably a mid-to-low B-lister, someone who’s known but not widely followed, perhaps a former A-lister who’s on a low-profile decline. Alternately, you might choose a token member of a group you’d like to malign.

Column A: Marisa Tomei, Jimmy Fallon, Jason Alexander, an albino, a member of the Beach Boys

2. PICK AN EMBARASSING PECADILLO. Anything embarrassing can serve, but the best rumors involve acts of choice. Urban legends prey on the fears and insecurities of the beholder, and nothing is more frightening than our capacity for poor decision-making. A collection of stolen socks would be better than, say, incontinence. (Actually, scratch that. Anything crotch- or bowel-related is certified platinum.)

Column B: steals socks, steals toothbrushes, has a seltzer fetish, cannot control bowels, wrote the song “I Love The Flower Girl”

3. PICK A LOCATION. The best rumors take the form of a story, and every story needs a setting. Choose a place where the rich and powerful must mingle with the little folk, often with embarrassing results.

Column C: a dive bar, a deli, an alley, Nyack, purgatory.

4. TRY IT. Have you heard about Jason Alexander? My girlfriend’s cousin works as a waitress in Nyack, and she said she saw Jason Alexander in there and he wouldn’t stop asking about the seltzer bottles. And when he, Jason Alexander, went to use the bathroom, one of the seltzer bottles disappeared!

5. HAVE FUN!

2 comments:

GBR said...

wow. in an effort to laugh again after the not-so-historic on wednesday, I went to the archives and listened to the confessions show. And I must say, if you want a 'different' SSD experience you really should listen to it. It made me psysically sick and exhausted, but still it was one of the more captivating shows ever. Brilliant!!

robin.g said...

Have you heard about Toby Keith? My ex-roommate's sister works in a shoe store in Manhattan and said he came in there and was sniffing all the shoes. Her co-worker saw him lick one.