Wait, Is This a Joke?

Since Andy begged out of a live show tonight, Ken was wonderful and aired an encore broadcast from October 7, 1998. If you were close to forgetting all your favorite Clinton quips, don't you worry, they're all right here in this episode. It is called the 100 Jokes Show (or The Monica Lewinsky Joke-a-thon), and you can listen to it here (RealAudio) or here (MP3).

As a challenge to all of you, I am curious if we could post 100 jokes of our own. Anyone have any good jokes? I know this great one about these Siamese twins...

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, “Can I have a gin and ....... tonic, please?"

The bartender serves him and then says, “Sure, but why the long pause?”

The Polar Bear then replies, “Gee, I don’t know, I was born with them.”

Jacob Haller said...

A pirate walked into a bar. For some reason, a steering wheel was sticking out of the fly of his pants. The bartender said, "Sorry to bother you, but I have to ask, what's the deal with the steering wheel?" The pirate sighed and said, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts."

I told this joke to a German gentleman of my acquaintance and he didn't get it at all, because the joke is linguistically complex.

Andrea said...

Q: What weighs 5,000 lbs and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.

Jacob Haller said...

Incidentally, because I have no life, I actually went through and transcribed all the jokes from tonight's show: http://jwgh.livejournal.com/292217.html

(If you want to copy the list here somewhere feel free.)

Now I will go to bed.

- 0 - said...

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

(This joke works better when spoken because its fulcrum is a homonym.)

- 0 - said...

One night policewoman Monica Lewinsky pulls over an albino Polack drunk driver.

She arrests him and says, "Anything you say can and will be celd against you."

He says, "Breasts!"

- 0 - said...

Q: Where in the military do babies fight?

A: The Infantry

Listener Dave said...

Q: What do you call a (albino) guy flying a plane?

A: A pilot, you racist!

dantehatesthings said...

Q: How does a Scotsman find a sheep in the bush?


A: Satisfying

listener Alex said...

After the death of Quasimoto, the monsignor of the Notre Dame cathedral decided to hold auditions for a new bell-ringer. The first man to apply had no arms. The monsignor asked him, "How can you ring the bell with no arms?", and the man proceeded to walk up to the top of the belfry and bang his head against the bell. The man banged his head more and more vigorously until he lost his balance and fell all the way to the bottom and died. A crowd of churchgoers gathered around the body. One man asked the monsignor, "Who is this man?" The monsignor replied, "I don't know his name... but his face rings a bell."

Emerson Dameron said...

A guy walks into a bar. He's obviously disturbed. "What's wrong?" asks the bartender. "Give me a shot of whiskey and I'll tell you all about it," says the man. "All right, what's eating you?" asks the bartender. And the man says, "I only have fifty cents."

Austin Lomeli said...

Q. Why did Batman beat up Robin?
A. Because he thought he was a bad guy.

-invented riddle by my cousin Mikey circa 1981

David said...

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new Albino stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"

The Albino stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!

listener vin said...

Q: Why did they bury the guy on the side of the hill?
A: Cause he was dead.

Anonymous said...

#1: (Andy's joke)

Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to London?
A: So the other one could drive.

#2:

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

#3:

Q: What did they find at the FBI lab when they took Monica Lewinsky's dress in?
A: A wad of Bill's.

#4:

Q: How come Monica Lewinsky wasn't allowed in med school?
A: Because she **CENSORED** an intern.

#5:

A man walks into a bar! Ouch!

#6:

A horse comes into a bar, and the bartender looks up and says, "Hey! Why the long face?"

#7: (Arnan's joke)

Q: Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A: Because he had a chicken stapled to his face!

(Andy: "You've been in fifth grade, haven't you?" Arnan: "Fifth grade my eye!")

#8:

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs flying over the outfield fence?
A: Homer.

#9:

Q: Why doesn't Chelsea have any brothers and sisters?
A: Because Monica ate 'em!

#10:

Q: What does Moses's grass say?
A: "Moses, mow zis!"

#11:

Q: How many surrealist artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The fish.

#12:

Q: What did the two psychics say to each other?
A: "How am I doing?"

#13:

A neutron walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender gives him a drink, the neutron goes to pay, and the bartender says, "For you, no charge."

(Ken: "You know, you could shorten that joke by eliminating the neutron and the bartender.")

#14:

Two New Jersey fellas decide to go bear hunting, right, for hunting season? So they buy their outfits, hop in their truck and they're heading to the mountains to go hunting. And they're almost there and they see a sign that says 'Bear Left', so they turn around and went home.

#15:

Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tap on de bweak, tupid!

#16:

Q: What'd the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
A: "Make me one with everything."

#17:

A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a drink and a mop!

#18:

Two atoms are out for dinner enjoying a nice meal. They finish, they eat, they pay the bill, they walk out the door, and one of the atoms says to the other, "Oh, hang on a second, I gotta go back in there, I left an electron." The other atom says, "Are you sure?" He says, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

#19:

Hillary Clinton hired a new intern for her husband: Lorena Bobbitt.

#20:

Did you hear about the Polish mafia? They make you an offer you can't understand.

(Andy: "Those albinos are so stupid. You'd think they were born in Poland.")

#21:

A tuna fish sandwich walked into a bar, asked the bartender, "Hey, can I get something to eat around here?" The bartender says, "No, we don't serve food."

#22:

Q: Why did the junkie half of Siamese twins look down on her sister?
A: She was from the other side of the tracks.

#23:

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: You 'neak up on it.

#24:

Two guys walk into a bar, but it was really stupid 'cause the second one should have seen it!

#25:

Caller: "I've got a knock-knock joke. You have to start it."
Andy: "Knock knock."
Caller: "Who's there?"
Andy: "Who's there?"
Ken: "He said 'who's there?'."
Andy: "Yeah, but I don't -- I'm not prepared. I was unprepared for this. Oh, that's the joke: screwing me!"

#26:

Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, I got a drink named after you!" Grasshopper says, "Why would you ever name a drink Bob?"

#27:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One of them turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny?"

#28:

Q: What did one burp say to the other?
A: "Let's be stinkers and come out the other end."

#29:

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He had to work it out with a pencil.

(Ken: "The only thing missing from that joke was a subatomic particle.")

#30:

Q: How is the chairman of the FCC similar to sperm?
A: They both have one in a million chance of ever becoming a human being.

#31:

Q: How many Polish albinos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them: one to hold the lightbulb, the rest to rotate the earth!

#32:

Q: Tell me how Bill Clinton got Monica to stop coming around.
A: He told her Ted Kennedy would drive her home.

(Andy: "What's your favorite joke so far?" Ken: "Ouch." Andy: "I've got to go with my joke.")

#33:

Q: Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
A: Because he was dead!

#34:

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?
A: No-eye deer.

#35:

Q: How many drunks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One: he holds the light in the socket, then drinks until the rooms spins.

#36:

Meeting of the National Sex Offenders Association. New guy, he's there with a pal of his. They're all sitting there, they watch the whole room, some guy stands up across the room, says, "48! 72! 104! 96!" and they all break up laughing and start abusing themselves. The guy turns to his friend, says, "What was that all about?" "Well, we're all on pro, we're not allowed to talk dirty. They got a code worked out, there's a number for every act. Go ahead, try it." New guy stands up and goes, "44! 72! 91! 66!" Dead silence. An oil painting. Turns to his friend, says, "What did I do wrong?" Says, "You told it wrong."

#37:

Did you hear the one about the psychic midget who escaped from prison? There's a small medium at large!

#38:

Q: What do you call a Grateful Deadhead who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless!

#39:

Q: What do you call a boomerang when it doesn't come back to you?
A: A stick!

#40:

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That's not funny!

#41:

Q: Why don't witches get pregnant?
A: Their husbands have hollow weenies.

#42:

Another high-ranking White House official also tried to get it on with Monica Lewinsky. He got close, but no cigar.

#43:

Q: How do you know which end of a worm is the head?
A: You tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!

#44:

Q: Knock knock!
A: Who's there?
Q: Imp!
A: Imp who?
Q: IMPEACH [inaudible]!

(Andy: "Just because we don't get it doesn't mean it's not funny, Ken.")

#45:

Doctor So-and-so was scheduled to give a four-hour long dissertation on feelings. One small problem: he doesn't feel very well.

#46:

Q: Call a one-legged mongoloid with polio!
A: Four-eyed one-step!

(Andy: "Who are we to pass judgement on other people's humor?" Ken: "Well, you're a professional.")

#47:

Did you hear about the albino hockey team? They drowned in spring training.

#48:

Q: What does a snail say when he caught a ride on the back of a turtle?
A: "Whee!"

#49:

Q: How many performance artists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I dunno, I didn't stick around.

#50:

Q: Why don't girls like to date basketball players?
A: Because they dribble before they shoot.

#51:

A priest, a rabbi, an albino, two Siamese twins, and Monica Lewinski walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

#52:

Caller: "I'm the world's best comedian! Go ahead, ask me what makes me the world's best comedian!"
Andy: "Tell me, sir, what is it that makes y--"
Caller: "Timing!"

#53:

A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here," and the mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

(Andy: "That's great! It's clean, it's short, I came very close to getting it ...")

#54:

Did you hear about the dog that committed suicide? He put his tail (or possibly towel) in his mouth and he said, "This is the end!"

#55:

Two crackers walking down the street. One was a salted.

#56:

Q: How do you get a one-armed Polack out of a tree?
A: Tell him to wave.

(Andy: "You know, they're pretty dumb, but I can't believe they're that dumb.")

#57:

Ken Starr asked President Clinton, he said, "What was the difference between sex with Monica Lewinsky and with Paula Jones?" He said, "It was close, but no cigar."

#58:

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: Because the chicken was a slut!

(Andy: "I don't get it either. I thought me explaining it, I would see it, but I don't.")

#59:

Q: Knock knock!
A: Who's there?
Q: Knock knock!
A: Who's there?
Q: Knock knock!
A: Who the hell's there?
Q: Knock knock!
A: Who's there?
Q: Philip Glass!

(Andy: "Thinking hurts at first, but then you get used to it.")

#60:

An old dog is laying by the railroad tracks. He's so old he doesn't hear the train coming. It comes by and a piece of his tail gets under the wheel, gets cut off. He gets really mad, he runs after the train but like I said he's an old dog, he kind of trips and falls and rolls under and the train cuts off his head. The moral of the story: Never lose your head over a piece of tail.

#61:

Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Bunny farts.

#62:

Yeah, the Monica Lewinsky affair? I thought it was a right-handed conspiracy.

#63:

Q: What's the only kind of wood that doesn't float?
A: Natalie Wood.

#64:

Q: How do you keep a pair of gum-chewing DJs in suspense?
A: I'll call you back next week.

#65:

My girlfriend told me the other day, said, "Come on over, there's nobody home!" I went over, there's nobody home!

#66:

Hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

(Andy: "Between me and Ken, we will get 90% of the jokes told to us!")

#67:

Q: Why do men marry women?
A: Sheep won't do windows.

#68:

Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic to see if her year's going to get any better. Psychic says, "Hmm, it looks very dark, your husband's going to die within the next year." Hillary is quiet for a minute, and the psychic goes, "Do you have any more questions?" "Yeah, will I be acquitted?"

#69:

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A: Elephino!

#70:

My girlfriend likes to talk during sex. The other night, she called me up from the hotel.

#71:

Q: Why are hookers immune to men?
A: Because they've been innoculated so many times.

#72:

Q: [inaudible] one of the glasses is empty. What's the king's name?
A: King Fill-up the Third.

#73:

This rope walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!" So the rope walks back out onto the street and he kind of frays his end a little bit and then he ties himself into a knot and then he goes back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you a rope?" and he goes "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

#74:

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a mailbox?
A: Bill!

#75:

Q: Why do men have legs?
A: So their brains don't drag on the ground!

#76:

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung.

#77:

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench, flasher comes past, opens his coat, first old lady has a stroke, second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady couldn't reach.

(Ken: "You know, it's funny about you know who the guy in the raincoat was?" Andy: "Ken Starr!" Ken: "That's right!")

#78:

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: To get to the other side.

#79:

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs and steel testicles?
A: Sparky.

(Andy: "Dear Lord, forgive me for laughing.")

#80:

Q: How did the Jewish mafia get out of jail?
A: They ate the lox.

#81:

Q: What's this? Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, bang, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop.
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

#82:

Q: Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one ovum?
A: 'Cause none of them will ever stop to ask for directions.

(Andy: "Men are stupid, but women sure like to touch penises. We have learned so much here today.")

#83:

Confucious say: Man who get kicked in testicles left holding the bag.

#84:

A drunk guy walks into a bar and says, "Here, bartender, have you ever seen a six-foot penguin?" The bartender goes, "No," and the guy goes, "Oh my god, I hit a nun!"

#85:

Q: How long does it take the average woman to achieve orgasm?
A: Who cares?

#86:

Confucious say, "Man who stand on toilet high on pot."

#87:

Caller: "Ask me where I'm from."
Ken: "Where are you from?"
Caller: "I'm from queens, but I bet you you're from natural parents."

#88:

Guy walks into a doctor's office, says "It hurts when I do this," doctor says, "Don't do this!"

#89:

Did you hear about the Polish parachute? It opens on impact.

#90:

Caller: "I need either Ken or Andy, either one of you guys, fill your lips up with air like you're going to blow, like you're a blowfish. What is that?"
Andy: "I don't know."
Caller: "Monica Lewinsky withholding evidence."

#91:

Q: What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
A: Hop in.

(Andy: "It's clean, it's short, it makes fun of amputees." Ken: "It's a winner." Andy: "It's a home run.")

#92:

Q: How do you give a redneck a vasectomy?
A: Kick his sister in the mouth.

#92.5:

Q: What's brown and sticky?
[Ken hung up, but the answer is: a stick.]

#93:

Did you hear Princess Diana was on the radio? She was also on the windshield and the dashboard, the gear-shifter, the engine ...

#94:

Two Polacks are shooting up drugs in the alley sharing a needle, a guy walks by sees it, says, "Hey, you can get AIDS that way." "No problem, we're wearing condoms."

#95:

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: Scares the crap out of the dog.

#95.5:

Q: What do you do to an elephant with three --
[Ken hangs up.]

#96:

If a man's in the forest and he says something and there's no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

#97:

Q: What's yellow and writes?
A: A ball-point banana.

c said...

#34a
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.

#34b
What do you call a deer with no eyes,no legs and no genitalia?

Still no f'in eye deer.

c said...

3 Albinos who were working at a skyscraper construction site decided to take a lunch break.
The Italian albino opened his lunchbox, and upon seeing yet another sausage and pepper sandwich shouted "Oh man, sausage and peppers again! If I get another sausage and pepper sandwich, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The Mexican Albino opened his lunchbox, pulled out a tupeprware container of chicken mole and exclaimed "Oh man, chicken mole again! If I get chicken mole again, I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The Albino Albino opened his brown bag, saw a ham and cheese sandwich and also yelled " A ham sandwich! One more ham sandwich and I'm gonna jump off this building!"
The next day all three men broke for lunch. Yes, all three men took succesive swan dives to the street below.
LAter, at the group wake (the union would only spring for multiple burials) the respective wives sahred thier grief.
Mrs. Italian Albino wailed "I feel so guilty! Why'd I keep giving him the same sandwich?"
Mrs. Mexican Albino expressed similar regrets " I had no idea he hated chicken mole so much! I feel so guilty!"
Mrs. Albino Albino shrugged " I got nothing to feel guilty about. . .he packed his own lunch every day."

Anonymous said...

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

(That answer was given, albeit quite unrelated to this show in some other show. Also, I learned the answer to one of the marathon riddles by listening to this show!)

Anonymous said...

PS: wow @ that one's anonymous joke transcription. that's dedication right there!

Anonymous said...

Although I think for #20 it was:

"Those albinos are so stupid. They think they were born in Poland."

x said...

Two muffings are in an oven. The first one says, "Wow, it's really hot in here." The second one says, "Oh my gosh! A talking muffin!"

Julie said...

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. You put a lil' boogie in it.

robin.g said...

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a retirement home. The old woman says, "If you let me put my hand in your pants I'll tell you how old you are." So the man unzips, the woman feels around for a bit then says, "You are 92." The man says "That's amazing! How did you know that?!" The old woman replies, "You told me yesterday."

listener vin said...

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a
sexy nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to
find that her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going
to make love to
her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most
ridiculous thing I
have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how
long?"

Jacob Haller said...

Dedicated: that's me, all right. Some word starting with 'd', anyway.

Two Hungarian nobleman were out hunting when they came across some tracks. They immediately started arguing about what it was they were on the trail of. "Those are lion tracks," said one. "No, they're bear tracks," insisted the other. They continued in this vein until suddenly they were run over by a train.

(I thought albino jokes were out now!)

Jacob Haller said...

Another joke along those lines:

Two Hungarian noblemen were out hiking, and at some point they realized that they were completely lost. Fortunately, one of them had a map of the area, which he took out and studied for some time. Finally, he turned to his friend and said, "Aha!" Pointing at a distant mountain, he said, "Do you see that? We are right on top of it!"

david said...

I need for people to understand: Joke #46 was "POLAROID one-step." The joke teller slurred his words, so it was hard to tell. Which was partly why Andy and Ken didn't get it.

Now re-read the joke. Google the punch line if you must. Think about it a while.

It's still not funny.

Anonymous said...

So, Steve Irwin walks into a Barb...

ninethousandflowers said...

what do you get when you cross a pit bull and a collie?
*
*
*
*
a dog that tears your arm off and then runs for help!

SueB said...

a man walks home from the bar in mid-january with a bottle of booze in his pocket.

As he mounts the steps to his home, he slips on ice and lands on his ass.

As he struggles to get up he feels a cold wetness on the back of his pants.

"oh Geezus" he says " I hope to God that's blood."

[i was shocked and offended at the sad truth of this one and now it's the ONLY joke i know]

Juliann said...

Two fish swam into a wall... one turned to the other and said, "Dam."

ekarhu said...

How did Hellen Keller meet her husband?

On a blind date

freeedom said...

What did Kermit The Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how the joke between #67 and #68 went that started with "two missionaries get stranded"

Anonymous said...

What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.